Finding Purpose in the Wait

[First off, sorry for the long delay between posts. This year I hope to be more diligent with posting and build a bigger audience. If you linked here from Pinterest and are interested in art, there will be a post coming up about that soon.]

Does anyone really like to wait?

I personally can't stand it. Waiting for a phone call you're expecting seems like it takes hours, waiting to hear big results from a test is excruciating, even waiting in line at the grocery store too long can ruin our mood.

My two biggest "waits" right now that are constantly coming to mind are the long wait for a husband and the wait for my future (as far as my future career path). I do not think that I am alone in either of those.

Yesterday my community group discussed "doubt". For me doubt is closely related to waiting. When I have to wait to. long I start to doubt that I am doing the right thing. Then this morning I read this article on Relevant.com.

Go read it and then come back.

I loved just about everything in there. It was such a great reminder to me that waiting has purpose and I should use it. I love how the author pointed out all of the stories of waiting in the Bible that I've known my whole life, but somehow I still expected that I shouldn't have to wait?

Next time you find yourself waiting remember that God has a purpose in it and look for that. It is an invitation to seek God.

Sovereignty in suffering.

Waiting is expected in the Christian life.

God breaks us to bless us.

Christ is better.

A life changing decision

I tend to be a bit long-winded on my blog posts so here's this…

The Short Version:

I recently decided to leave staff with Campus Crusade. I have discontinued raising support, and I will not be going to the University of South Carolina. At the moment I have a part time job but I am looking for a full time position.

So, there's that. If you're thinking is something like "wwwhat?", then please stick with me and I know you'll be able to at least see where I am coming from when I'm done.

The Long Version:

Meeting with everyone from close friends to people you don't even know to raise enough money to pay your salary and benefits for an undetermined amount of time is the hardest thing that I have ever done. It gave me an incredible appreciation for all those who do it that.

I believe that God uses raising financial support in so many ways besides just getting people to where He has called them. I can think of 3 specific ways that I've seen it used in my life and in the lives of those around me. I've seen it used to refine us so that we grow closer to God and learn to lean on Him more and trust Him to provide for all of our needs, to reward and show that He can provide anything far beyond what we may ask or imagine, and to redirect and open our hearts to other things that He has for us, among other reasons of course.

There were times that God used financial support in all 3 of those ways for me, but I believe that in the end He used it to redirect me. It's hard enough to raise that much support, but if something isn't right about it you are forced to stop and reevaluate what you are doing.

For me, I've had the sinking feeling within me that something is off for a while now.

I ignored it for a long time. I attributed it to graduating college, transitioning to life after college, a best friend passing away, moving back home with my parents and away from my Christian community, and every other major life change of the past 8 months besides joining staff and raising support.

But like I said, if something is wrong it makes it very hard to raise amounts of support like that.

So I stopped.

I took time off and I prayed. Hard. I asked God to reveal to me what His heart was and just tried to grow closer to Him. I spent time constantly in prayer alone as well as seeking advise from those Christians in my life that I look up to.

And what I was left with was hard to stomach in some ways. Some of the reasons Most of the reasons that I joined staff were selfish. Selfish reasons like not having to leave college so fast, getting to travel around the world for mission trips each summer, being able to make my own schedule and hang out with college students all day… all benefits to going on staff, yes, but its not enough to just go on that.

There were also other things God brought to light during this time, like my struggle with constantly being surrounded by only Christians (living in a Christian bubble) and how when I am surrounded by Christians I like to pretend like I have it all together instead of being real and admitting my faults, both things that I know I have to work through before God could fully use me in full time ministry. There were other things that were revealed to me during this time as well that all led me to the realization that staff may not be the place where I could best glorify God.

Ultimately a friend asked me an important question: 

"If you could get paid to be on staff and support raising wasn't involved, is it still what you're supposed to be doing?"

And I knew...

The answer was no.

But until I knew it wasn't because of support I would never have been confident in my decision. Because I believe no matter what support raising is hard for anyone, and I didn't want to be giving up because it was hard. In the end it was much more than that.

As I realized this and prayed about it, I felt an incredible peace about the decision. I had felt so nervous about the whole thing for the past two weeks that I constantly felt like I was going to throw up or suddenly break into tears at any moment… and then I was completely fine. It was like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and somehow it was all going to be okay.

So I mustered up my courage and I told my support coach, I told my supporters (many of whom had already begun supporting me), and I formally left staff with Cru…. to step into a whole new world of unknowns.

Now I have no idea where I will be this time next year, or even next month. My entire future is uncertain… but it's okay. Because I know that God has given me confidence and reassurance about my decision and I trust that He will continue to guide me in my next steps.

I don't regret anything about the past 8 months. I believe that my training will be invaluable no matter where I end up. Throughout my time of support-raising I learned about my self, I learned about God's provision, and I learned the value of giving and what it means to others. I know that God brought me through this whole process for many reasons and I believe I will see those reasons again and again for years to come.

Right Now:

I am currently still living with my wonderful parents (who could not have been more supportive through this time and who I could not have made it through without) and I just got a part-time job at a locally owned restaurant in Johnson City (PTL!). I am very-actively looking for a full-time job (preferably one that I can really see myself in that uses my skills and my passions). I am not tied down to particular locations but part of me would love to be in Knoxville.

How You Can Help:

• PRAYER! Pray that I could continue to trust in the Lord and let Him lead me.
• If you don't understand where I'm coming from or if you think I'm crazy, I'd love to just talk to you more about it. It's hard for me to understand most of the time… and sometimes I still don't.
• Job connections!!! Do you have any? Do you know someone? Anything helps!

So there you are.

I told you I was long-winded.

Thanks for sticking with me if you did, and for allowing me to be real and admit where God has me right now.

I am so incredibly thankful for each of you!

Scott Gianopoulos

I think one of my biggest blessings in life will be that I had the privilege of calling Scott Gianopoulos my friend. Many people had that privilege as well, because that’s who Scott was, a friend. I first met Scott my freshman year at fall retreat where we sat around the bonfire and annoyed everyone by singing Disney songs for hours, and I wish I could say our friendship began there, but with him being in and out of school we didn’t reconnect till two years ago. He came to the mothership and we found and captured a spider on my porch that was the size of my hand. Scott and I decided to microwave it to see what would happen, and that was the beginning of a friendship that I will never forget.

Having Scott as a friend meant so many things: It meant life became a never ending party, full of spontaneity, because it was never too late and nothing was ever too crazy for him. He was hilarious, and full of life at all times. I’ll never forget all the silly songs he made up and all of his sayings like the ever popular “school is for fools”.

Scott was magnetic. People were drawn to him, and before I don’t know if I knew what it was that drew them in but it just was. Maybe you haven’t realized it yet but UT is a different place when Scott was here. He was the most inclusive guy I’ve ever known. He noticed when someone new came to the mansion and he would get to know them. One time I remember talking to scott and describing someone as one of those people that was just “hard to love” and I remember scott looked at me and said “What do you mean?”. And it finally clicked, that was a foreign concept for him, Scott loved everyone and he loved them well. How many people can really love everyone?

Scott always cared. Whenever he asked me how my day was going he actually listened. And whenever he facebook chatted me for the 7th time that day he still wanted to know. And whenever I was having a bad day for me with the most mundane problems he would listen with sympathy even though it could never touch what he was going through. Scott noticed when you were gone or hadn’t been around for a while. If I hadn’t seen him in 3 or 4 days I could expect a text saying “Aunt Mandy. I miss you. Lets hang out soon!”

Scott was selfless. He didn’t need or want attention on himself, ever. If someone was going through a tough time he would elevate them and make them feel loved. He was a servant and would have done anything for me.

As a friend, Scott cared enough to say the hard stuff. He was there to listen to me, but he was also there to point me to Christ. He would tell me when I was being selfish or not surrendering something, even though I didn’t want to hear it. He shared his heart with me and helped me become a better person.

Its no secret that Scott was passionate! Passionate for everything: the VOLS, the Packers, the White Sox, David Crowder, Disney movies, Taylor Swift, johnnies, krispie kreme doughnuts, and Jesus. And his passion was contagious to everyone around him. I will never think about any of those things the same. I will never halfheartedly sing Rocky Top again and the cubs will always suck to me now. But the thing I loved most was scott’s passion for Jesus. He loved Jesus.

Being his friend for the past two years I saw Scott go through some things that most people couldn’t dream of. The thrills of getting back clear scans, and the horror of hearing the doctors say that there was nothing more that they could do. But NO MATTER WHAT through everything Scott was faithful. And he was always positive. No matter what the outlook was, on a football game, on a situation, or even on the number of days left in his life he remained positive. He didn’t worry or get depressed. He remained faithful. Scott always went to Romans 8:28 “God works all things together for the GOOD of those who love him”. He trusted that no matter what happened, no matter what the doctors said, that it was GOOD. Seeing Scott continually trust God as he went through the hardest things that I can imagine and the pain he suffered, taught me what it really meant to “trust God in ALL circumstances”. He taught me that suffering was glorifying to God. He used his sufferings for God’s glory no matter what.

Above all Scott inspired me. To be a better person, to love well, to complain less, to tell more people about Jesus, to befriend the lonely, and to enjoy life. Scott pointed me to Christ all the time. Scott loved life, no matter what was going on. He lived each day to be a light for Christ. I remember one time last semester me, Scott, Allix, and JR stayed up till like 3 in the morning talking about life. What we’d done, our favorite memories, what we feared, what we still wanted to do in life, our hopes, and our dreams for the future. At first it was hard for me to look back on that night because it was stuff that Scott isn’t going to get to do but I realized that everything Scott had wanted to do in his life revolved around bringing people to Christ and bringing God glory. And Scott did it. Scott may have left us but his testimony lives on and it will continue to point people to Christ forever.

Scott fought, and it may look like he lost, but that’s not true. Scott won because he lived his life for Christ and he lived his life to the fullest. I’m going to miss Scott’s friendship, probably every day, but I rest in the fact that now he is with our savior, pain free, in a new body, in heaven. And I hope to live the rest of my life for the same impact that Scott had in 23 years of his. I will never forget Scott Gianopoulos and all that he taught me about how to live.

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
1 Timothy 4:7