A life changing decision

I tend to be a bit long-winded on my blog posts so here's this…

The Short Version:

I recently decided to leave staff with Campus Crusade. I have discontinued raising support, and I will not be going to the University of South Carolina. At the moment I have a part time job but I am looking for a full time position.

So, there's that. If you're thinking is something like "wwwhat?", then please stick with me and I know you'll be able to at least see where I am coming from when I'm done.

The Long Version:

Meeting with everyone from close friends to people you don't even know to raise enough money to pay your salary and benefits for an undetermined amount of time is the hardest thing that I have ever done. It gave me an incredible appreciation for all those who do it that.

I believe that God uses raising financial support in so many ways besides just getting people to where He has called them. I can think of 3 specific ways that I've seen it used in my life and in the lives of those around me. I've seen it used to refine us so that we grow closer to God and learn to lean on Him more and trust Him to provide for all of our needs, to reward and show that He can provide anything far beyond what we may ask or imagine, and to redirect and open our hearts to other things that He has for us, among other reasons of course.

There were times that God used financial support in all 3 of those ways for me, but I believe that in the end He used it to redirect me. It's hard enough to raise that much support, but if something isn't right about it you are forced to stop and reevaluate what you are doing.

For me, I've had the sinking feeling within me that something is off for a while now.

I ignored it for a long time. I attributed it to graduating college, transitioning to life after college, a best friend passing away, moving back home with my parents and away from my Christian community, and every other major life change of the past 8 months besides joining staff and raising support.

But like I said, if something is wrong it makes it very hard to raise amounts of support like that.

So I stopped.

I took time off and I prayed. Hard. I asked God to reveal to me what His heart was and just tried to grow closer to Him. I spent time constantly in prayer alone as well as seeking advise from those Christians in my life that I look up to.

And what I was left with was hard to stomach in some ways. Some of the reasons Most of the reasons that I joined staff were selfish. Selfish reasons like not having to leave college so fast, getting to travel around the world for mission trips each summer, being able to make my own schedule and hang out with college students all day… all benefits to going on staff, yes, but its not enough to just go on that.

There were also other things God brought to light during this time, like my struggle with constantly being surrounded by only Christians (living in a Christian bubble) and how when I am surrounded by Christians I like to pretend like I have it all together instead of being real and admitting my faults, both things that I know I have to work through before God could fully use me in full time ministry. There were other things that were revealed to me during this time as well that all led me to the realization that staff may not be the place where I could best glorify God.

Ultimately a friend asked me an important question: 

"If you could get paid to be on staff and support raising wasn't involved, is it still what you're supposed to be doing?"

And I knew...

The answer was no.

But until I knew it wasn't because of support I would never have been confident in my decision. Because I believe no matter what support raising is hard for anyone, and I didn't want to be giving up because it was hard. In the end it was much more than that.

As I realized this and prayed about it, I felt an incredible peace about the decision. I had felt so nervous about the whole thing for the past two weeks that I constantly felt like I was going to throw up or suddenly break into tears at any moment… and then I was completely fine. It was like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and somehow it was all going to be okay.

So I mustered up my courage and I told my support coach, I told my supporters (many of whom had already begun supporting me), and I formally left staff with Cru…. to step into a whole new world of unknowns.

Now I have no idea where I will be this time next year, or even next month. My entire future is uncertain… but it's okay. Because I know that God has given me confidence and reassurance about my decision and I trust that He will continue to guide me in my next steps.

I don't regret anything about the past 8 months. I believe that my training will be invaluable no matter where I end up. Throughout my time of support-raising I learned about my self, I learned about God's provision, and I learned the value of giving and what it means to others. I know that God brought me through this whole process for many reasons and I believe I will see those reasons again and again for years to come.

Right Now:

I am currently still living with my wonderful parents (who could not have been more supportive through this time and who I could not have made it through without) and I just got a part-time job at a locally owned restaurant in Johnson City (PTL!). I am very-actively looking for a full-time job (preferably one that I can really see myself in that uses my skills and my passions). I am not tied down to particular locations but part of me would love to be in Knoxville.

How You Can Help:

• PRAYER! Pray that I could continue to trust in the Lord and let Him lead me.
• If you don't understand where I'm coming from or if you think I'm crazy, I'd love to just talk to you more about it. It's hard for me to understand most of the time… and sometimes I still don't.
• Job connections!!! Do you have any? Do you know someone? Anything helps!

So there you are.

I told you I was long-winded.

Thanks for sticking with me if you did, and for allowing me to be real and admit where God has me right now.

I am so incredibly thankful for each of you!