A life changing decision

I tend to be a bit long-winded on my blog posts so here's this…

The Short Version:

I recently decided to leave staff with Campus Crusade. I have discontinued raising support, and I will not be going to the University of South Carolina. At the moment I have a part time job but I am looking for a full time position.

So, there's that. If you're thinking is something like "wwwhat?", then please stick with me and I know you'll be able to at least see where I am coming from when I'm done.

The Long Version:

Meeting with everyone from close friends to people you don't even know to raise enough money to pay your salary and benefits for an undetermined amount of time is the hardest thing that I have ever done. It gave me an incredible appreciation for all those who do it that.

I believe that God uses raising financial support in so many ways besides just getting people to where He has called them. I can think of 3 specific ways that I've seen it used in my life and in the lives of those around me. I've seen it used to refine us so that we grow closer to God and learn to lean on Him more and trust Him to provide for all of our needs, to reward and show that He can provide anything far beyond what we may ask or imagine, and to redirect and open our hearts to other things that He has for us, among other reasons of course.

There were times that God used financial support in all 3 of those ways for me, but I believe that in the end He used it to redirect me. It's hard enough to raise that much support, but if something isn't right about it you are forced to stop and reevaluate what you are doing.

For me, I've had the sinking feeling within me that something is off for a while now.

I ignored it for a long time. I attributed it to graduating college, transitioning to life after college, a best friend passing away, moving back home with my parents and away from my Christian community, and every other major life change of the past 8 months besides joining staff and raising support.

But like I said, if something is wrong it makes it very hard to raise amounts of support like that.

So I stopped.

I took time off and I prayed. Hard. I asked God to reveal to me what His heart was and just tried to grow closer to Him. I spent time constantly in prayer alone as well as seeking advise from those Christians in my life that I look up to.

And what I was left with was hard to stomach in some ways. Some of the reasons Most of the reasons that I joined staff were selfish. Selfish reasons like not having to leave college so fast, getting to travel around the world for mission trips each summer, being able to make my own schedule and hang out with college students all day… all benefits to going on staff, yes, but its not enough to just go on that.

There were also other things God brought to light during this time, like my struggle with constantly being surrounded by only Christians (living in a Christian bubble) and how when I am surrounded by Christians I like to pretend like I have it all together instead of being real and admitting my faults, both things that I know I have to work through before God could fully use me in full time ministry. There were other things that were revealed to me during this time as well that all led me to the realization that staff may not be the place where I could best glorify God.

Ultimately a friend asked me an important question: 

"If you could get paid to be on staff and support raising wasn't involved, is it still what you're supposed to be doing?"

And I knew...

The answer was no.

But until I knew it wasn't because of support I would never have been confident in my decision. Because I believe no matter what support raising is hard for anyone, and I didn't want to be giving up because it was hard. In the end it was much more than that.

As I realized this and prayed about it, I felt an incredible peace about the decision. I had felt so nervous about the whole thing for the past two weeks that I constantly felt like I was going to throw up or suddenly break into tears at any moment… and then I was completely fine. It was like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders and somehow it was all going to be okay.

So I mustered up my courage and I told my support coach, I told my supporters (many of whom had already begun supporting me), and I formally left staff with Cru…. to step into a whole new world of unknowns.

Now I have no idea where I will be this time next year, or even next month. My entire future is uncertain… but it's okay. Because I know that God has given me confidence and reassurance about my decision and I trust that He will continue to guide me in my next steps.

I don't regret anything about the past 8 months. I believe that my training will be invaluable no matter where I end up. Throughout my time of support-raising I learned about my self, I learned about God's provision, and I learned the value of giving and what it means to others. I know that God brought me through this whole process for many reasons and I believe I will see those reasons again and again for years to come.

Right Now:

I am currently still living with my wonderful parents (who could not have been more supportive through this time and who I could not have made it through without) and I just got a part-time job at a locally owned restaurant in Johnson City (PTL!). I am very-actively looking for a full-time job (preferably one that I can really see myself in that uses my skills and my passions). I am not tied down to particular locations but part of me would love to be in Knoxville.

How You Can Help:

• PRAYER! Pray that I could continue to trust in the Lord and let Him lead me.
• If you don't understand where I'm coming from or if you think I'm crazy, I'd love to just talk to you more about it. It's hard for me to understand most of the time… and sometimes I still don't.
• Job connections!!! Do you have any? Do you know someone? Anything helps!

So there you are.

I told you I was long-winded.

Thanks for sticking with me if you did, and for allowing me to be real and admit where God has me right now.

I am so incredibly thankful for each of you!

Scott Gianopoulos

I think one of my biggest blessings in life will be that I had the privilege of calling Scott Gianopoulos my friend. Many people had that privilege as well, because that’s who Scott was, a friend. I first met Scott my freshman year at fall retreat where we sat around the bonfire and annoyed everyone by singing Disney songs for hours, and I wish I could say our friendship began there, but with him being in and out of school we didn’t reconnect till two years ago. He came to the mothership and we found and captured a spider on my porch that was the size of my hand. Scott and I decided to microwave it to see what would happen, and that was the beginning of a friendship that I will never forget.

Having Scott as a friend meant so many things: It meant life became a never ending party, full of spontaneity, because it was never too late and nothing was ever too crazy for him. He was hilarious, and full of life at all times. I’ll never forget all the silly songs he made up and all of his sayings like the ever popular “school is for fools”.

Scott was magnetic. People were drawn to him, and before I don’t know if I knew what it was that drew them in but it just was. Maybe you haven’t realized it yet but UT is a different place when Scott was here. He was the most inclusive guy I’ve ever known. He noticed when someone new came to the mansion and he would get to know them. One time I remember talking to scott and describing someone as one of those people that was just “hard to love” and I remember scott looked at me and said “What do you mean?”. And it finally clicked, that was a foreign concept for him, Scott loved everyone and he loved them well. How many people can really love everyone?

Scott always cared. Whenever he asked me how my day was going he actually listened. And whenever he facebook chatted me for the 7th time that day he still wanted to know. And whenever I was having a bad day for me with the most mundane problems he would listen with sympathy even though it could never touch what he was going through. Scott noticed when you were gone or hadn’t been around for a while. If I hadn’t seen him in 3 or 4 days I could expect a text saying “Aunt Mandy. I miss you. Lets hang out soon!”

Scott was selfless. He didn’t need or want attention on himself, ever. If someone was going through a tough time he would elevate them and make them feel loved. He was a servant and would have done anything for me.

As a friend, Scott cared enough to say the hard stuff. He was there to listen to me, but he was also there to point me to Christ. He would tell me when I was being selfish or not surrendering something, even though I didn’t want to hear it. He shared his heart with me and helped me become a better person.

Its no secret that Scott was passionate! Passionate for everything: the VOLS, the Packers, the White Sox, David Crowder, Disney movies, Taylor Swift, johnnies, krispie kreme doughnuts, and Jesus. And his passion was contagious to everyone around him. I will never think about any of those things the same. I will never halfheartedly sing Rocky Top again and the cubs will always suck to me now. But the thing I loved most was scott’s passion for Jesus. He loved Jesus.

Being his friend for the past two years I saw Scott go through some things that most people couldn’t dream of. The thrills of getting back clear scans, and the horror of hearing the doctors say that there was nothing more that they could do. But NO MATTER WHAT through everything Scott was faithful. And he was always positive. No matter what the outlook was, on a football game, on a situation, or even on the number of days left in his life he remained positive. He didn’t worry or get depressed. He remained faithful. Scott always went to Romans 8:28 “God works all things together for the GOOD of those who love him”. He trusted that no matter what happened, no matter what the doctors said, that it was GOOD. Seeing Scott continually trust God as he went through the hardest things that I can imagine and the pain he suffered, taught me what it really meant to “trust God in ALL circumstances”. He taught me that suffering was glorifying to God. He used his sufferings for God’s glory no matter what.

Above all Scott inspired me. To be a better person, to love well, to complain less, to tell more people about Jesus, to befriend the lonely, and to enjoy life. Scott pointed me to Christ all the time. Scott loved life, no matter what was going on. He lived each day to be a light for Christ. I remember one time last semester me, Scott, Allix, and JR stayed up till like 3 in the morning talking about life. What we’d done, our favorite memories, what we feared, what we still wanted to do in life, our hopes, and our dreams for the future. At first it was hard for me to look back on that night because it was stuff that Scott isn’t going to get to do but I realized that everything Scott had wanted to do in his life revolved around bringing people to Christ and bringing God glory. And Scott did it. Scott may have left us but his testimony lives on and it will continue to point people to Christ forever.

Scott fought, and it may look like he lost, but that’s not true. Scott won because he lived his life for Christ and he lived his life to the fullest. I’m going to miss Scott’s friendship, probably every day, but I rest in the fact that now he is with our savior, pain free, in a new body, in heaven. And I hope to live the rest of my life for the same impact that Scott had in 23 years of his. I will never forget Scott Gianopoulos and all that he taught me about how to live.

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
1 Timothy 4:7

I thought I decided I wasn't going to grad school...

Seminary Classes.


Well I've only been in my seminary classes for 2 days but I can already say... I love it! I know we're only taking these classes for 2 weeks but they are real classes for real graduate credit at schools like Bethal, Dallas Theological Seminary, Trinity, Reformed Theological Seminary, and other amazing schools. Granted, we only receive 2 one hour credits for intro courses, but still, not bad for only 2 weeks.


The schedule is INTENSE. We have our Intro to Systematic Theology class at 8:00am every day and it's two hours, then we have a short break before Bible Study Methods, which is from 10:30-12:30. I really enjoy both of the classes so far and I will write more blog entries in the future over some of the specific things I'm learning.


After class everyday I grab a lunch and then begin on the reading and homework. Yesterday we had to read about 100 pages and another long article, plus read and summarize the whole book of Ephesians section by section, and complete a study guide to review all we had read and learned throughout the lecture that day. Its work that I do enjoy so I don't want to rush through it, but it took me about 7 hours to complete which is harder than I ever have had to work for school.


Today we had around 70-80 pages, and more work on Ephesians that required me reading the whole book about 5 times, and another study guide. I'm still not done with today's work but I did take a break to go for a run on the beach which was nice and refreshing. I'd say I'm looking at about 6 hours of work today.


I really enjoy the theology class. Its at 8:00am and I'm tired but I am completely drawn in. Today our topic was on the inerrancy, inspiration, and accuracy of the Bible. We discussed how views on that have changed throughout the years and why the alternate opinions came into view. Our professor does have an opinion on many things, but the first day in class we learned about what to hold as convictions and what to hold as persuasions or opinions.


Convictions: central beliefs, crucial to salvation, over which we should be willing to denounce someone in serious disagreement, found multiple times in the Bible
Persuasions: beliefs about which we are personally certain but which are not crucial to salvation, we must accept those with differing persuasions as members in good standing of God's family, even if we are certain they are wrong, based on subjects included in the Bible (ex: tongues, millennial views, age of the earth)
Opinions: beliefs on subjects where we have a preference but acknowledge others may also be right or we do not have any confidence in (ex: best bible translation or political views)
[Taken from Enjoying God by Alan Kent Scholes--a book I highly recommend]


So while our professor does share his opinions, persuasions, and convictions, he also stresses how we should form all of that on our own research and not the beliefs of others. My convictions are very steadfast, but I have come to really how much I need to research those things I call persuasions for myself. It is all just making me want to dive into scripture and research, and I find it all so fascinating!


That's all I'll write for now because I doubt you're still reading (I mean who puts definitions with a citation in a blog?! I do cause I'm crazy). I'll leave you with this...


Prayer Requests:

• That I would continue to encounter Christ in every class, reading, and homework assignment and grow to love him more as I learn more about him
• That our group would remain healthy
• That I can build close relationships with the women here to have a support system during MPD time

Love y'all and I truly miss everyone SO much!

New Staff Training

I've been here in Daytona Beach, FL for New Staff Training for less than a week and there's already so much to say. It is very overwhelming right now to say the least. 


The first most overwhelming thing is the schedule itself. Its 5 weeks long. The first week has been full of cru curriculum kind of things. The mission, vision, history, where we're going as a movement, target areas, priority areas, strategy, and all sorts of things like that. Starting on Sunday and continuing for the next 2 weeks we have IBS (Institute of Biblical Studies) classes or seminary classes. On the first day here we received a huge stack of books and about 300+ pages of notes we'll need for the two weeks. Then we'll have finals (yes! I said finals, I thought I was done with school). The last week and a half is full of training on how to develop Ministry Partners or supporters.


The other really thing thats hard is the timing of my transition. I just graduated less than a month ago, which was me graduating early. No one else here has done that I believe. Of the 70-ish people here about half are married and a little over half have already served for 1-2 years on a US campus or on STINT overseas. With all of that its easy to walk into this with feelings of inadequacy or insecurity about my age and experience. Those feelings are starting to fade and I am very grateful for that. I know that God has given me every tool I need for this and it is EXACTLY where I am supposed to be.


The amount of people here is general is a lot to take in. I love getting to know and meeting new people, but generally in smaller groups, and most of the things we do are in such large groups that its hard for me. We have these groups called "lifegroups" were we can talk about everything, from our past to how we're doing with everything here, and I really enjoyed my time with mine!


Overall, I'm excited! I know it may not seem that way because I just talked about everything I'm struggling with BUT I feel so reaffirmed that I am truly supposed to be here! I will write more later but I wanted to update y'all!


In Christ,
Amanda

"Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."
1 Timothy 4:12

it's not about us.

It seems surreal that we only have a week and a half left here. I sincerely apologize for my lack of blog updates. They keep us insanely busy. The last five weeks have been exciting, challenging, tiring, growing, and fun all at once. Fort Collins is a beautiful city and I feel so blessed to have spent my summer here. As I told many of you in my letter and on my blog, my intent for going on this project was to get a feel for the operations side of campus crusade, but it has become so much more.

My job has been such a good experience. In the summers here at the CSU campus the Campus Crusade Staff Conference team takes place. I've served all summer on the Staff Conference Team, about 100 people who all work very hard at what they do. The conference itself is a 1 week event that kicked off yesterday, but for the 4 weeks prior to that different groups of staff must go through additional training.

I spent all summer working with the MTL (Missional Team Leaders, also known as campus directors, the people who are in charge of the movements on college campuses). I did anything for them that they needed done. I did a lot of ordering and calling for food and large group dinners. I wrapped welcome and thank you gifts. I ordered their daily snack and always made sure they had their water and coffee. It wasn't the most glamorous job, but I enjoyed being able to serve the people who spend the rest of the year faithfully serving students like me. I met so many amazing (and important, crulebrities if you will) people while serving with them this summer, which not a lot of college students get to do. How many people can say that the director of all campus ministry in the US knows their name? But that's not the important thing, the great thing was getting to spend time with these people and seeing God shine through them.

That's what I did for the last 4 weeks when only about 700-ish staff members were here in Fort Collins, but over the weekend over 5000 staff members have arrived for the big conference. There is so much to be done for this and it is amazing to see all of these people's talents and gifts come together to create something so cool.

With as large and as complex as this conference is, it is probably weird that I'm having trouble finding something to help with. The 4-week MTL training ended and so did my formal job, so for the next 2 weeks I could be able to help out where ever. However, the trend has been that no one needs help. I've done a few odd jobs but nothing steady. At first I found it pretty frustrating, here I am to serve and no one even wants me. But this morning as I sat in the first main session and saw everything go so flawlessly none other than Francis Chan reminded us about how IT'S NOT ABOUT US. I was so frustrated with not having a big job to do that I was dwelling on that. When all I should be dwelling on is how great it is that they don't need me. The conference is going smoothly... without me, because it's not about me. Praise God that they have more help than they need here!

I'm sure I will run into various things to do over the next couple weeks, but I am also blessed that I get to sit in the sessions and be touched by the same training as the crusade staff. This morning's session with Francis Chan was absolutely amazing and exactly what I needed to hear today. He had prepared an entirely different talk and threw it out the night before because he felt the spirit leading him in a different direction, so thankful he listened!

Okay, you're probably tired of reading and I want to thank you if you still are, and just ask for your prayers that the conference would continue to go smoothly, that the staff would be blessed, and that all the students on our project would continue to grow closer to God and to each other in these last days.

I'll leave you with this. All summer we've been studying Ephsians and one of the speakers today directed us to Revelation 2, a passage written to the church in Ephesus:
"Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."
Revelation 2:4-5
Let us always pray that Jesus will be our first and only love, but even when we fail and we lose that love we had it is so freeing to know that his love for us is never shaken or changed.

In Christ,

Amanda

Adjusting to sleep deprivation and higher altitudes

Well I decided it was probably time for an update of my time in Colorado so far.

I've been here a little over a week (well sorta... but I'll get to that). The first week is always the hardest in my opinion. There's so much adjusting: to a new city, new housing, new people, a higher altitude... everything. There's also all the orientations and name games (even with the names, I am absolutely horrible with names)!

Project related things (aka everything not between the hours of 8-4 Monday through Friday) are good! Our project has only 8 boys, and who knows how many girls! Except its probably around 50. Good odds for the boys, ehh? kidding! It's also really cool meeting people because there are literally people from ALL over the country. I could look around and be at a table with someone from New Hampshire, Seattle, South Dakota, Florida, and New Orleans and it wouldn't even be weird.

My roommate (Kelly from Virginia) is great! We get along wonderfully. And I also adore my entire small group and our amazing leader Julie! That is really a blessing because the small groups end up being such a support system.

All the girls are living in the Kappa Delta house on the Colorado State University campus. Which by the way does accept mail from family and friends, so do that. The address is 412 W. Laurel Street, Fort Collins, CO 80521. The house is great and perfect for our project, another HUGE blessing.

Because of lack of time on my part and the attention span of my readers the next couple posts will cover what I do at work and what ministry things we've been doing!

Please be praying,
Amanda

Now Boarding

Well they haven't said that yet but it will be any minute now.

Today's the day! I am currently waiting at the Tyson McGee airport in Knoxville for my flight to board. I made it through security and weighed my bag. For those of you who know me and are wondering it was 50.5 but she didn't charge me! My first flight is delayed 20 minutes and that makes me nervous that I'll miss my next flight in Dallas, so pray that doesn't happen. I am sort of a nervous flier today because its only my 2nd time ever flying.

Once I arrive in Denver a shuttle service will take me to Fort Collins where I will spend the next 7 weeks. We are living in the Kappa Delta sorority house and I may just call all the girls my "sistas" all summer.

Some prayer requests right now:

• For safe travels for me and everyone on the project
• That my heart would be ready for everything that can happen this summer
• That God would renew a desire in my heart to know him more
• And that I can bond quickly with new friends on the project

Thanks for your prayers everyone!

Amanda

Eternal Perspective

I wish I was good at being a consistant blogger but I'm not, so please bare with me.

It would take me 17 blog posts to explain to you all the things that God has been teaching me lately, and I don't know if I can type that much so let me summarize.

To get a little background on how I've been feeling, just last week I had a conversation with a roommate about how I was in a very desert-like season in my walk with God. I did not feel His presence like I used to and doubts and temptations were really starting to get to me in this time. It was a horrible place to be and I desperately wanted out of it, but I did not know what I could do. I read the Bible and did my devotionals but I still couldn't feel God like I used to. I was so discouraged.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go on a free trip to Atlanta with Campus Crusade. Basically I thought all it was going to be was them convincing us to be on staff and I'd thought about what that would look like in the past but I was not considering it at all anymore. But hey, it was free and my best friends were going. I honestly had no expectations for God to work through this trip since I'd felt so far from him lately, but boy did He prove me wrong.

Friday night I realized this was going to be more than them just "convincing us to be on staff". The first talk was on our rights and expectations. As christians we should have two expectations in life:
1. Because he loves us, we can trust Him to provide for us and care for us
2. Because we live in a fallen world we will suffer and sacrifice and are called to yield our rights
I always found comfort in the first expectation but the second one got to me. He used the example of Jesus to compare this to. A very well known passage of scripture is Philippians 2:5-9. Through this scripture we can see just how many rights Jesus was willing to give up for us: the right to comfort, respect, honor, justice, to be understood, to live, and even to be in fellowship with his father. If Jesus gave all these rights up for us, how much should we be willing to give up for him. We cling to our rights of health, free time, recognition, respect, success, comfort, justice, and approval like they belong to us. But the truth is that they do not. This talk really brought back all the times I had thought about being in full-time ministry but ruled it our solely because of my "right" to have a regular salary, success, and approval of friends and family.

But my real amazing experience was on Saturday night. Every doubt I'd had in the past week about God orchestrating my life and being there for me was shattered. God showed up for me, big time. We had discussion groups all weekend and we were with our friends from our school but had a staff leader from another school. Michelle was our group leader and I'd never met her before but I know that God had put us together for a reason. The night's talk was on having an eternal perspective (easier said then done right?). But really it all comes down to looking at it this way, if all the eternity is a time line our life is barely a speck on this forever long line. Do you want to spend your life living it for the meaningless dot (yourself) or do you want to live it for the line (our creator and Lord)? I don't know about you, but I want my life to count for something bigger than me.

In our discussion groups after this talk we were asked what helps us have an eternal perspective in life. All that came to my mind was the sunday school answer of "reading our bible, spending time in prayer, and engaging in christian fellowship", so I said that answer. Michelle turned that completely around for me by saying that what gives her more perspective then anything is being "in the world but not of the world". Seeing how lost people are and how desperately they are searching for something to fill the void in their lives gives her more perspective then anything.

This completely humbled me. I was instantly convicted by how comfortable I was in my little christian circle I was. For a while our group discussed our problems in falling into christian bubbles, and some other girls said the nonchristian friends they had that they were praying for. I tried to think of nonchristians I was close to in life, and no one came to mind. At this point I am feeling horrible about how far I have removed myself from the lost who need God's love the most. Then Michelle begins to share a story with us, I don't remember why she even told us this long story but she did. Keep in mind she had no idea that I have an on campus job where I work with international students everyday.

Michelle's Story:
She began telling us about how she volunteered as a conversation partner one semester with an international student. It was a girl from a country in East Asia and I won't share her name for privacy reasons. All Michelle prayed was that she would have the opportunity to share the gospel with the girl before the semester was over. Turns out God knew better, their very first meeting the girl asked if Michelle was a Christian. Turns out she asked because she thought everyone in America was a "christian" and she actually had no idea what that term meant. Michelle got to tell her the gospel and her testimony in that very first meeting. The girl was an atheist and did not believe in God, nor did she change after the first time of hearing the gospel, but she continued to meet with Michelle for an hour a week every week. She would always ask all sorts of question about God, the bible, and religion. Six months later she told Michelle she was no longer an atheist and she did believe there was a god. Two years later she accepted Christ. She is currently considering going on staff with Campus Crusade even though she is graduating with a doctorate in engineering because she wants to help save her country. Michelle only prayed to be able to share the gospel with her once and God did this. Who are we to limit His power? Michelle gained a sister in Christ and a lifelong friend who joins her and her family for every Thanksgiving and Christmas.

By the end of this story I am in tears. Just minutes earlier I was feeling horrible about my lack of influence with nonbelievers. Michelle told this story and had no idea that I work with international students on campus as a job everyday, and I was currently in charge of organizing conversation partners for the semester. I was suddenly slapped in the face with God's presence. I know He brought me on that trip and in that discussion group for a reason. God reaffirmed everything He is doing in my life. Having a job at the English Language Institute has been growing my heart for international students all year and I have got to have an eternal perspective there. The 3 months these students are in America may be the only time that they will hear the gospel, and God may use me to share it with them. I hope that he does.

Since coming home my entire perspective on life has changed. We have got to take advantage of every moment. I have even more to say but I will save that for another post and leave you with this.

"Why, you do not know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this'"
James 4:14-15